Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
