i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
this hospital has no fireball
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
