If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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