Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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