Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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