Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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