I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
