Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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