My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
