Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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