I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
