if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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