Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
