My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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