I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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