I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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