I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
