i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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