Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
