Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
