hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
