just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
