when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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