mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
