I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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