At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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