Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
