Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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