Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
