There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
