The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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