You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize