i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
