That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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