I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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