i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
