apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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