I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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