im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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