Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
