There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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