Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
