Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
