Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
