I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
