apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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