I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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