Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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