I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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