Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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