i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
