Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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