I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
