did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am midnight drunk by noon
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
