I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
